I serve God as a musician even before I entered uni. Before the service, I usually pray along with the team, set things right with God, and also tell Him that this is not about us but about Him, and pray that we will be able to give our best to Him.
Guess what!? I failed. I went to practices just to end up feeling all miserable. My mood went on a tour off a cliff, and I just wanna scream. I judged others. I was like "oh man, why did he/she play that?!" and then I realize that I myself was just simply playing as well. I could see an ant went jogging at their face but I didn't see the elephant in front of me. I practiced during practice time, and that's it. Never really bother to practice at home, or maybe think about the arrangements of the song, or maybe try to brush up some parts that didn't sound nice. I could have done that, but I didn't. I thought that as long as I am in the same page with the others, play the same chord, I'm doing ok. EEEEKKK!! Wrong! Now it bothers me, darn it.. I realized that this is the kind of stuff I've been giving to God for all these years. Trash. This is not about playing bad chords or not playing skilfully enough, or maybe playing the exact copy of the song, or even play better than the original version. It's not about that. This is much more than that! I didn't give my all. I didn't give Him the best of me. I didn't give Him what He deserves. I took it as a duty rather than an act of worship or because HE deserves it. And sometimes I even judge others that they're not giving their best. Gosh. This is mad awful. I feel terrible. @#$%^#@%&*
But hey, I'm not dead yet. I'm still breathing, I still have fingers to play, a brain to think about arrangements and sequences, a pair of ears to listen, and a Sovereign yet Forgiving God to worship.
p.s: special thanks to Holy Spirit, for pointing it out and pulling me back :)
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